Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
June 24th, 2022
It’s 10:30. I’m sitting with my coffee, computer on my lap and the sun is shining outside. It is with such peace and appreciation that I write. Last night’s extra hours of sleep are giving me the energy that I’ve been missing from so many days of squeezing life around daily trips to Boston for radiation. Finally there is nothing urgent on my calendar. Finally the realization of what is behind me is starting to sink in.
But sometimes there exists that certain unease, even among the best of days.
When things are going really well, and you’re happy, do you wait for that unknown something to break the spell?
When you’re feeling lucky, do you anticipate the moment when your luck runs out?
When you’ve almost reached the end of your year long journey with cancer, do you still expect the worst… that it’s secretly growing somewhere else inside you, because you’ve weathered the battle knowing how much worse it could have been?
Is there something else that awaits me because I didn’t lose all of my hair during chemo? Is something destined to befall me because I have also finished radiation and still feel like myself?
And then as if on cue, I realize that I’m shedding more now PFC - Post Final Chemo - than I did while I was using the cold cap. I scoured the Paxman Facebook support group and learned that what I am experiencing is normal, albeit frightening, and that the longest it seems to last is about 14 weeks PFC. I am now 10. Is this part of the inevitable I’ve been anxiously waiting for?
Constanty waiting for the other shoe to drop is like living in a place of What If’s… Exhausting. Unproductive. Ominous. But how can you be sure that luck and fate is on your side, so that you can move forward with some kind of sanity and certainty? How much of that good fortune do you even control and contribute to? Can our actions and thoughts actually impact our destinies?
I read the 20 page Survivorship package that the nutritionist from Dana Farber sent me. Finally reading it and digesting it gave me some answers to these questions. You can only control what you can control. Embrace what you can control. Maximize your days and nights to the best of your ability and rest when you need to regroup and recharge. Acknowledge what is good for your body and your mind, and although we will never do everything perfectly 100% of the time, every single time you make the choice to do something that is good for you is a triumph. And every single drop in the bucket of self care adds up.
There are foods to eat and some to avoid. What we put in our bodies truly has a medicinal impact if we are for the most part consistent. Exercise and movement plays a part. Sleep plays a part. It’s spelled out very simply in those 20 pages. 20 pages that put some element of control back into my hands. The actual choices that I can make that put me back in the drivers seat when it comes to my overall health - physically and mentally.
And yet… there are no guarantees. And I need to take control of how I process that.