Shifting Expectations
I wrote this blog post after my first round of Chemo. I am happy to say that I am now a week past the second. Two down. Two more to go.
Shifting Expectations. Feb. 28th- Day 3 after 1st chemo
It’s not working.
That I can use my mind to wake up feeling good. That I can use my attitude to dictate my energy levels. That I can put on my clothes and feel empowered.
This morning I battled with myself and lost. There was no such thing as pushing through the fatigue or the headache, no matter how much I shuffled towards that beckoning cup of coffee. The lunch box was an impossible meteor in my way. I’ve never known packing a lunch box to be so incredible Heavy in every aspect of the word.
And what’s worse, is that this is only day 3. Only like a million more to go. And I’m here waiting for the worst to happen, the other side effects to start, the hair to fall out, the nausea to overrun my days. How do I define a good day day amidst this unknown? How do I determine what it means to be productive when simply putting away the milk is a challenge?
This chemo fog that surrounds me is deafening.
Shifting Expectations again.
A friend called and told me simply, just plan one hour at a time. Or a few minutes at a time, because you won’t know how you’re going to feel. And everyone’s experience is different.
And so I took a deep breath and stopped trying to anticipate the rest of this course. I stopped trying to look at the calendar and schedule in things that would make me feel productive and alive. Instead I gave myself permission to not know what the rest of the day will bring, let alone the week, and to not judge myself for moments of inactivity. One hour at a time. I can do that.
Shifting Expectations. March 1- Day 4 after chemo
Today I did not expect to jump out of bed feeling energized. Instead I moved slowly, allowing my body to wake up and adjust. To accept the slight nausea and headache but also to feel the ping of possibility as I swung my legs over the side of the bed.
Today I brushed my teeth at 1:35 and got dressed at 1:40. But that’s ok. Because I needed to rest during the morning and now I have some energy and I am excited to go into my closet and find something fun to wear, that makes me feel like me.
Starting my day at 2:00 is definitely a shift in my expectations and what it means to be productive, but I am dressed and ready. For today, that alone can be my accomplishment, regardless of what I do or don’t check off on my to-do list.
Shifting Expectations. March 9 - Day 12 after chemo
It’s hard not to want to be the pre-cancer me when I wake up feeling good. When I run around and accomplish things and meet with friends and still have energy and almost… just almost forget that I am going through treatment.
I want to work out! I want to be the parent to my children that does things!
But then the afternoon hits and so does the exhaustion and I am so, so disappointed to not be that person. I think it’s almost worse, because I had that taste of normalcy, only to be reminded - not right now. Not for awhile.
Every day is a question mark during this surreal journey. Every day I have to try to adjust my expectations and even ignore them and just accept the moment as is. To be in the moment and not plan more than an hour ahead so that I do what I can do in that moment. So that I enjoy what I am doing in that moment.
I am starting to recognize that my worth is not determined by how much I cross off on my to do list or by the rings on my apple watch that track my movement, hours standing and exercising.
What does it all mean? Because at some point, for me, it won’t be about cancer. It’s about how we choose to live our lives. What can i teach my children? How can I help to empower others? How do we stop creating expectations that lead to judgement, and approach challenges with curiosity instead of fear.
Sometimes you need to strip away the expectations in order to see what it is you really want for yourself and reevaluate how you want to live your life. These days it’s less about getting to the end of the race, but appreciating the moments of the journey. Maybe that’s really how it’s supposed to be.